What I’m Up To These Days


I found myself mildly cringing today. And this time only out of habit. I was asked by a former colleague and friend I haven’t talked to in a while, what I’m up to these days. In the past, my usual answer would be filled with all kinds of projects and endeavors. Goals and opportunities to validate the amazing path I’m on, marked with an arm full of knuckle imprints from all the attaboys I’d receive in celebration of my achievement benchmarks. And yet this time it’s more just like a bench. A park or a picnic one. No more bench pressing, only sitting on them. And no more check marks, for I’m not marking anything off my to-do list. No. These days, what I’m up to is the Father’s business and that differs on the daily. Instead of an outline of goals and strategies to meet them, I’m met with quiet consideration and graceful, gentle nudges to go here or there or say this or that, or nothing at all. To be. Instead of being busy. To joyfully be filled to the brim and overflowing even though the cup no longer contains the milk and honey I once envisioned.

It’s been interesting. Witnessing and watching myself respond in new ways. Drawn from the deep well of authenticity that includes being present to the awareness of everything that surfaces in the midst of this one question. “What are you up to these days?” The old filters, wanting to fluff it up and make it look nicer. Not wanting to be seen in a boring light, or even “worse” anything that resembled that I’d in any way gone backward. Because according to society, on paper, and my own former agendas, it very well may look that way. Seeing, sensing, and knowing that very real, present, human dividend is present in this equation and yet my spirit is as content as a hummingbird on a sunny spring day. Feeling that this is me far from going backward, more like light years ahead because of the purity in my contentment that is counter and contrary to “popular belief.” To have grown so comfortable in heart, soul, body, and mind. Sound and solid in my spirit and skin, and closer to my kin. Present to the challenges that still remain without feeling a need to run away from it all. This is growth. Not striving after some big achievement or grand accomplishment because I know it is not needed or necessary unless I’m led down a particular path that is shown to me by God and not my “higher self” and its need to live out its “fullest potential.” Finally understanding it’s not all about me, it’s about he. My heavenly father who knows no fodder. And so I allow myself to process. The question and my response. The unabashed, unashamed, unfiltered, raw, honest truth. “Nothing much.” I’m not up to anything much. But God. He is up to everything and in that knowingness, I am complete.

~Audra Erwin

The “High on Life” Coach

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Audra Erwin High on  Life Coach