Revisiting Grief

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It lives in your bones

It aches more than just your heart

It’s dormant fever spikes when you least expect it

and you just want it to break loose from your nervous system

and cellular memory

so you never have to feel it again


Today a wave of infertility grief rose up in me out of nowhere as the words that invoked the feels lifted themselves up off the page of a book I was reading.

It wasn’t anything earth shattering that evoked the emotional tsunami. Quite simply it was just the author telling the story of the picking out of a name for her baby girl before discovering she would need to pick an additional name as there would be two girls. Twins. It immediately brought me to my empty womb, empty nursery, empty arms and empty void echoing in the canyons of my human framework.

Suddenly I was holding more than a book in my hands. I was holding up that scene that never played out. I felt envy and sadness, anger and disappointment. I felt robbed and ripped off all over again. Deprived of that experience. Denied by my very own body. It’s like I rode out all 7 stages of grief in one tidal wave. Allowing it all to rise up in me. Allowing myself to feel the loss as profoundly as when it first occurred. Just as intensely. Just as important. Still every bit as relevant.

Some things you get over. Like getting over the fact that sometimes you just don’t get over the things you thought you were over and being okay with that. Making peace with it. Finding acceptance in it.

Loss is loss, and it’s always tied to love in one way, shape or form. Those are tethers that attach to the heart forever.

After all, anything worth loving is worth grieving over.

~Audra Erwin

The “High on Life” Coach

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Audra Erwin High on  Life Coach